It’s midnight and once again I’m spending my friday night in bed.
Staring at a screen that is too bright for my eyes now when all other sources of light are out. I keep thinking to myself that this wasn’t how I planned to spend my teenage years. Feeling the bottom of my laptop resting on my hipbones and ribs, getting my fix from that sick satisfaction that maybe I’m destroying myself more than my unwanted feelings. Maybe I’ll scare them out of my head if I try hard enough. Failing my disorder will make them grow stronger, right? Isn’t that how it’s always been?
In all honesty, I don’t even remember. How sad is that, all I can ever recall from my life so far is a constant need, a hunger for everything I am not allowed to have. I want love but don’t accept it cause everyone is going to leave sooner or later. I want happiness but don’t feel it cause it’ll be worse when it wears off. Attention? All attention is bad attention. Food is just one of the things on the list of needs I’ve spent my whole life trying to get rid off.
”Don’t be needy. Needy is disgusting. Don’t be so desperate, that is pathetic. Get your fucking shit together, you don’t need anything. The only thing you need is to not need.”
Anonymous asked: Wow your mom sounds wonderful, i wish I had a mom like yours. My mom doesn't understand at all
Yeah she’s the best. I have absolutely nothing bad to say about her ”/ She’s done more than enough for me my whole life idk, I can’t even express how much I love her.
Note to self:
Don’t get your hopes up. Nothing good ever happens to you anyway.
